It Just Means
by RhiannonNymph
Summary: Tag for Conversion: John doesn't feel he's said the right thing. John:Teyla:Ronon. It's triangular.
1. I'm Sorry, but Not Really

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything; I am making zilch in the way of money, and am doing this purely to satisfy my own Sheyla nee

**DISCLAIMER: **I don't own anything; I am making zilch in the way of money, and am doing this purely to satisfy my own Sheyla needs.

This takes place right after Teyla leaves the training room at the end of the "Conversion". I started writing this practically right after that episode, and tonight was finally inspired to finish it.

Enjoy. -- this has been edited and reposted.

* * *

IT JUST MEANS

'_Poor choice of words Sheppard'_ John thought as he stood in the training room, tapping Teyla's fighting sticks against his legs. "I should _probably apologize_." He muttered. He was bathed in a deep orange light streaming through the windows; he only said it because he wasn't sure what she thought about what he'd done.

He knew he was alone, but he cleared his throat anyway. It was to break the unbearable silence left in Teyla's wake.

_Give it no further thought._

What was that supposed to mean? How was he not supposed to think about it? He'd spent two weeks trapped in the infirmary and all he'd done was think about it…that and the other things he'd done while he was "different".

He'd beat his own men into unconsciousness, run rampant through the city, and attacked Elizabeth, though in all fairness, he was pretty far gone at that point.

But when he forced Teyla against the wall and kissed her - that had still been him. A little faster, more skilled with a Bantos rod, but him all the same.

After the kiss, he hadn't been exactly sure what to do, or say. It had been awkward, and Teyla had looked more than slightly shocked. And during his entire stay in the infirmary _that memory_, of all his memories, had been at the forefront of his mind. Now that he was out and about, with his status was bumped up to active, they'd be out on missions again. He'd have to see her all the time and what if things got…well, weird?

_Give it no further thought. _

The way he saw it, it had two meanings: One – don't worry about it because it will never ever, ever, EVER happen again; or two- don't worry about it, I'm sorry that you feel you have to apologize because I thought maybe it could lead to something more.

He sure as hell hoped it was number two. Of course, odds are it was number one, if the look on her face, her tone and body language was anyway to judge. Though, if it was number two all he had to do was show how he really felt and (if she felt the same) weirdness flies right out the window.

He'd always felt something, he'd never really been sure what it was, gratitude, friendship, loyalty, lust…love. But that moment, when he'd beaten her in her own training methods, something happened. Maybe it was just the virus wearing down his inhibitions, letting him realize what he'd really wanted all along.

He shuddered. He hated to think that he might owe something to the virus. That something good could have come from being infected.

He supposed he should be thankful that he'd figured out his feelings. He still felt a little foolish. He'd kissed her, and she'd frozen. '_To the spot'_, he added ruefully. Her big brown eyes had locked with his for only a moment, but it was a moment that lasted long enough to tell him that one of the two aforementioned things occurred to her.

From the short conversation he'd just had with her, he'd gotten that sinking feeling. The one that makes you feel like your heart just dropped down to your heels. There weren't many things he could loose that would really hurt him, but Teyla was definitely high up on the list of few.

He sat down on the bench where his and Teyla's things would usually rest. He looked at the sticks still griped tightly in his hands, he thought about all the times he trained with Teyla, all the times he had before him…or should have. After a few minutes sitting with his head against the cool glass of the window, he realized something. He was absolutely sure about how he felt.

He wanted to be with her.

There weren't really any specific rules to keep them apart; while she may be under his command she wasn't part of their military, so _technically_ fraternizations rules didn't apply to her. Besides, they were in another galaxy, under totally different circumstances, things were bound to be done differently.

But none that really mattered; what did was that he…he loved her.

He _**loved **_her.

He rose up and hastily shoved his sticks into a bag and strode out of the room to find her.

* * *

Teyla let out a second, this time audible sigh of relief as she heard the door to the gym slide shut behind her. She swore she had felt him coming towards the room, felt a foreboding uneasiness descend.

Then he was there; a nice shirt with buttons (something he was not often seen wearing) and hair every which way. He was completely normal, un-enhanced, and in control. But there was the suffocating silence that followed him. She knew he had wanted to speak and had not known where to begin. Finally he spoke, and she knew what was coming. It was like him to apologize for everything, even the things he could not control.

He had said he should probably apologize, she recognized it for the question that it was and so told him not to think about it. Already well aware of the impression it would send, she saw the same look of surprise pass through his eyes, that must have been plastered all over her face at the time of the kiss.

She probably could have found a gentler way of saying it, but he recovered just as quickly, spoke, and let her talk again. She told him goodbye and left. It was all she could do.

Wondering down the blue-gray halls of Atlantis toward her room, she tried to pinpoint the exact reason she had given the response she had. It was not because she did not feel for him; on the contrary, she felt very strongly towards him, but lately something had been nagging at her. She had begun to feel herself pulled in two directions; John on one side…Ronon on the other.

She could not deny that there was great potential with Ronon; that something was going on between them. They could be great lovers, she was sure. They could have many healthy, strong, proud children; but was there love, or only lust?

It could very well be their warrior sides were where all the chemistry was, she just was not sure.

With John she also felt they could be great lovers, with the same children, but things were different with him. He was a warrior, but not like she and Ronon; he had been born and raised in circumstances she could only hope her own people may one day know. Maybe it was love, or maybe it was the adventure he brought with him. After all, _he_ was the alien in this galaxy. There was definitely something indefinable that drew her to John Sheppard.

She sighed again and began to pull her hair back into a ponytail. She let the soft, swishing motion of the leaves of her colorful skirt distract her. She repositioned her bag on her shoulder and leveled her eyes with the ground in front of her. She knew herself well enough to know when she was in love or not, didn't she? She would have to request to be taken to the mainland to seek counsel with her own.

She laughed inwardly at herself; Teyla, the Athosian leader, asking for romantic help with two men who were not even of her people.

"Teyla!" She stopped at the sound of her name and hesitated for a moment before she turned around. She almost faltered and wanted to run from the disarming grin he wore, "Look, um, I wanted…not to apologize. Actually, I want to take it back. I hereby revoke the apology."

Her brows knitted together, "That is-" her eyes searched the air, "fine."

He lightly took hold of her arm and pulled her over into a door way, for a just a moment she thought he might hold her back and kiss her again, perhaps to prove some point. Instead he let go of her once they had reached door, and rubbed a hand through his hair and whispered to her, "I'm not sorry. I mean I don't know if the virus…it's how I feel Teyla. I'm sorry for the way you found out, but not that you did. You know what I mean?"

If words came with facial expressions, she imagined hers to say something like 'duh' (a word she'd learned for Dr. McKay). She didn't speak; she didn't know what to say! So naturally, "I do not know what to say Colonel."

"Colonel…" It was even softer than his whispers.

"John." She corrected, she truly did not mean to hurt him. "I, it is not that I…" she had to choose her words quickly and correctly, "I am, unsure, about many things."

He wet his lips and nodded his head, "Okay, okay…you need time. I understand that."

She took a few steps away from him and turned to speak to him once more before she made her exit, "It does not mean never, it just means not now." She started back down the hall, leaving him leaning in the doorway.

As she began to round the corner, Ronon came from the other direction. She stopped and greeted him and he told her he had just been coming to see if she was up for some sparring. She smiled and relaxed slightly in his presence; the tensions from minutes before fading away. She told him no, and started to walk again. Ronon was at her side she rounded the corner without looking back.

John, still standing in the shadow of the doorway watched the two of them. His jaw clenched softly in a new sort of jealousy as they walked away together.

* * *

It could be the end, I don't know, I may continue it. We'll have to see how I feel about it.

R and R please! Reviews make me all warm and fuzzy inside...well nice ones. :)


	2. The Second Time Around

IT JUST MEANS

The silence was more awkward then it had been in the gym, but it was all together different. It took John back to when he was a teenager; to the times when he'd be angry with his parents and if they'd gone anywhere he'd sit, staring out the window, not saying a word. If there had been a window to Teyla's right, he was sure that's where she'd be looking. As it were, there was just the one window in the front of the jumper, and she looked out of that; she didn't stray from the path she was visually mapping to the mainland.

She had the silence thing down pat. He wondered if the cold shoulder was a universal thing or if she'd learned it from one of his people. He was stealing sideways glances, trying not to move his head with his eyes, the last thing he needed was to make her more uncomfortable than she clearly already was.

About an hour ago Elizabeth had approached John, telling him Teyla had requested to be flown to the mainland. He wanted to protest, tell her he couldn't, but then she'd ask why and it wasn't something he wanted to talk to her about. So he told her he would, and here he was.

"So, mind if I ask why we're on our way to the mainland? Something happen?"

"It has simply been a while since I have visited." Her dark eyes deviated from their path, but she still did not look over.

He nodded, "Good reason." Then that silence started to creep back, so he kept talking, it didn't matter about what, so long as the silence was taken care of, "Think it'll snow?" he asked as he scanned the blue-gray clouds. It had been getting colder on Atlantis for the last couple weeks and they'd determined that the area was entering the winter season. John couldn't wait for it to snow to come, and to be honest he was sort of hoping it would be any color other than white. "What color is snow in Pegasus anyway?"

He could tell that question had brought a smile, small though it was, to her face. "I have never seen it as anything but white."

"Oh." There was disappointment in his voice, "Well, I guess any snow is better than no snow. Will everyone be okay on the mainland? Will they need anything?"

"My people have survived many winters on Athos, we will be fine." She answered quickly.

"No, I know. I didn't mean it that way, I just wanted to make sure." Now it was John that turned his attention to the sky, and he let the silence come. He understood that at the moment things were, at best, strained between them but it didn't give leave for her to snap at him for asking about her people's status and offering help. He was trying to make this as easy for both of them as possible.

He should have just told Weir no.

He set the jumper down just outside the village; the ramp lowered and he got up. He waited for Teyla to exit the jumper, and the second her foot hit dirt the hatch was closing and he was walking.

"I'm gonna find Jinto, hang with the kid for a bit. Find me when you're done." He shot back over his shoulder.

* * *

Teyla watched John's retreating form, and sucked in a deep breath and let it out as a regretful sigh before heading into the village. She should have known that Dr. Weir would ask the Colonel to fly the jumper, and she shouldn't have been so short with him, he was only trying to fill the void that had grown between them, which was more than she was trying to do.

She made her way down the passages to the hut that housed the one person she believed could help her. Charin, the now old woman, in who's tent Teyla had spent many, many days. It was a blessing to her, to have a friend so long and so old; it wasn't often many lived their entire lives. Charin was like the mother that Teyla had only barely known. They spoke of everything together and Teyla placed her utmost trust and respect into the woman.

She reached her desired tent and rapped lightly on the wooden frame. A soft voice from inside bid her enter, and she pushed back the animal skin flap to see her mentor, friend, and surrogate mother sitting at the large table that took up most of the front room.

"Teyla!" she smiled cheerfully and rose to her feet. Their foreheads touched in their traditional greeting and Charin offered Teyla the seat next to her and a cup of tea. She wrapped her dark fingers around the warm cup and looked down into the liquid. She was here for a reason and Charin would know that; but this was proving to be a more difficult subject to broach than she had imagined.

"Does something trouble you?" Charin asked with a knowing look. Teyla smiled into the tea, and took a sip.

"I fear I am always to be troubled." She said, placing her cup down softly.

"I sense this is not a Wraith problem." She took a sip of her own tea, and fixed her gaze on Teyla's still down-turned head. "Child, I can offer no help if I do not know the problem." Teyla felt the pressure of a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "You should know better than to fear judgment from me."

Teyla took in a breath, "It is…embarrassing." _'And I fear some may look at me as though I have betrayed them.'_ She turned her body towards her oldest friend, "Colonel Sheppard has kissed me."

"I see." Charin smiled. Teyla knew that among her people John was one of the few they placed trust and friendship in, but there were still those that would not see their people become so heavily involved with those from the expedition. "This is embarrassing because you do not share his feelings?"

Teyla opened her mouth but no words escaped it. She tried again, "I do not know. Perhaps…perhaps before, I may have."

Charin frowned, "What has changed?"

"It is another man. We encountered him while searching for Lieutenant Ford and he…confuses me. His name is Ronon Dex, he was a runner."

A flash of sadness, or maybe pity washed quickly through Charin's eyes, "I had always hoped those tales to be false. To be taken, and then hunted for sport…"

"Dr. Beckett removed the device that allowed him to be tracked, and he has been with us ever since." Teyla now turned back to her cup, taking another sip, and straitened her body out.

"So you feel for this Ronon?" Charin asked, doing the same as Teyla had.

She was again looking into her drink. "I do not know." Saying those words made her angry and the urge to simply throw her cup across the hut welled up in her. She tightened her grip on the clay cup and swallowed hard. She was a leader; she had made tough decisions nearly all her life. She was supposed to be strong, level-headed, unattached; what was she doing here? Fretting over two men? "Neither of them is of our people, and I am the leader…"

"Teyla." Charin's voice had a calming effect, and Teyla's fingers loosened. "I am unsure how I can help you. I know only that John Sheppard is a good man, and very loyal to those around him." She smiled, "And it does not hurt that he is pleasant to look at." Teyla looked at her mentor, who smiled wider, "I have heard many of the young women speak of him in this manner."

Charin's face became serious again, "As for Ronon, I know only that he has caught your eye, and therefore something about him must be good. I fear this choice is yours alone." Her hand again found Teyla's shoulder. "I can only tell you to follow your heart, to spend equal time with both and allow no thoughts or feelings but your own to make the choice."

She couldn't help but feel disappointed and slightly bitter towards her mentors answer. She wanted help to make the choice and she had just been told she was in it alone, something she had to admit she'd known from the second she'd told Dr. Weir she needed to be taken to the mainland.

"And if I cannot?"

"Then perhaps you were not meant to be with either of them."

They spoke a little longer before Teyla left, and walked through the village slowly, offering blind smiles to those that called her name. She was making her way to Halling's home, hoping that Jinto and John would be near at hand. She wanted nothing more than to return to her room on Atlantis and think over what Charin had said to her.

She thought of the time spent leading up to his rebuked apology. At first she'd simply tried to forget about the kiss, but that hadn't worked, and more and more often she found herself slipping back into the memory. So she started to think about it – what was it that bothered her? She simply could not figure it out.

She wasn't even sure when Ronon had become a factor in her relationship with the Colonel (if it could even be called a relationship).

She wanted to scream; coming out to the mainland for advice was starting to seem like a bad idea. She was no closer to figuring out her feelings for John, and she'd only managed learn that Ronon was surely part of her problem.

She reached Halling's home, knocked as she had at Charin's and was welcomed in. Jinto and John were not inside.

* * *

Walking through the woods surrounding the village, John scanned the trees and bushes, looking for dangling legs or a scrap of fabric. Maybe hide and seek wasn't the smartest game to suggest to Jinto and Wex; they knew the land and all the good hiding spots. At the very least one of them should have been "it"; when did they get so good at rock, paper, scissors anyway? He certainly hadn't taught it to them.

From the corner of his eye he caught a streak of brown, lighter than that of the trees and he slowly moved closer. Jinto darted out from behind a tree and ran. John nearly had to tackle the boy to catch him; he'd only just managed to grab the back of his shirt.

Sucking in a breath John said, "You'd be great at track."

Jinto's brows came together, "Track?"

John waved the boy's question off, he was expecting it. "I'll tell you later. Let's find Wex, huh?" Jinto started to walk back the way they'd come and John softly added, "That way I only have to explain it once." He caught up to Jinto and they walked side by side, John's thoughts wondering to Teyla and who she was with and what she was talking about. "Jinto?"

"Yes Colonel Sheppard?"

"You know, you don't have to call me that. You can call me John." The boy smiled up at him. "And secondly…" he hesitated, he was about to ask a twelve year old about his peoples dating habits. Oh well. "What are the rules for your people about dating-?" _Should I say it?_ "-and stuff." He finished lamely.

"Dating?"

_Damn. Should have known that word wouldn't have meant anything to the kid._ "Yeah...it's like..." he searched for a way to explain it to him, he snapped his finger, "courting?"

"Courtship?" Jinto's eyes had grown in size as he looked up at John, "Do you wish to ask Teyla-"

"No." John cut him off. "Just curious." He paused, "So…do Athosians only – court – other Athosians?"

"Mostly. There are some who leave to be with people on other worlds. Though, that does not happen so often." Jinto smiled again, "I would not mind if you were to court Teyla."

"Yeah, that's…good to know." John smiled back. "But just keep that to yourself okay?"

"Okay." Then he turned to a large tree and looking up shouted, "Wex, I am it!"

John stared at the spot where Wex's head had appeared. He was a good fifteen feet off the ground, and the tree didn't look the easiest to climb, "How'd he get up there?"

* * *

Teyla was with Halling for only ten minutes when John and Jinto returned, and thankfully their conversation had not strayed from goings on in the village. She told them that she wished she could stay longer, but she and Colonel Sheppard had an early mission tomorrow and they must be getting back.

It wasn't lost on her that the silence and hurt feelings from the trip in still lingered.

They walked back to the jumper in silence that lasted the entire twenty minute ride to Atlantis. John landed and the rear hatch began to lower; this time it was Teyla who made it to ground first. She stopped at the bottom of the ramp and looked back. A small smile played at her lips, "Thank you." She nodded, "John."

An involuntary smile graced his face as he answered, "Your welcome."

Then she turned and left the jumper bay.

It had only been a small gesture but as Teyla walked to her room she felt better; as though one of many burdens had been taken from her. She was grateful for it; she could rest easier knowing that things could get back to normal between her and John.

She reached her room and immediately upon entering went to her bad to lie down. It had been neither an extremely long, nor tiring day, yet she felt drained. While she'd not gotten what she'd gone to the mainland for, she had enjoyed seeing her old friends again, and had much to think on.

There were two men in her life now. Two equally alluring men, both strong physically and in will. Both of them more than worthy of her affections.

She closed her eyes and sighed to her ceiling. "Father," she whispered. It was the first time that she wished she could hear her father's words, "I do not think it is a choice that I can make."

There was knocking at her door just then. Wearily she opened her eyes and moved to open her door. Really all she wanted right now was to be alone, to think, and then sleep. The door opened and her eyes moved up to lock with those of her visitor.

"Yes Ronon?"

"Can I come in?" She stepped back from the door to allow him access. "Is everything all right?"

She smiled at him, "What would be wrong?"

"Well it seemed like there was something wrong. Between you and Sheppard." He added.

The smile dropped from her face, this was the last thing she needed right now. "What happens between Colonel Sheppard and I is no one business but ours."

"Of course. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You looked pretty upset yesterday and then the two of you were-"

"Is there a reason you are saying these things?" she asked, crossing her arms.

He looked at her, his eyes grew serious. "You can't deny that there is something between us." He took a step closer to her, and the scene from the gym flashed in her head. She knew she'd let it show when he'd said it, that there was in fact something. He took another step towards her. "I just want to know if there is anything between you and Sheppard."

She could only stare at him. If she said no then she'd be lying. She and John had the same something she and Ronon shared. She figured what happened next was inevitable and she should have seen it coming, but when Ronon's lips met hers she was shocked. Not unpleasantly. It was soft an unobtrusive, and the complete opposite of her first kiss with John.

It ended as abruptly as it had started when Ronon pulled back, and just looked at her. She just stood there, her lips parted slightly in surprise, and she could think of nothing to say. Perhaps she should have waited to go to the mainland, or just stayed there.

She did the only thing her mind could come up with; she turned around and walked out of her own room.

* * *

So today is…what? March 31 2008. I'm running through, doing some editing – taking out, putting stuff in…trying to get some ideas for this thing. AND – I know _exactly_ how this story ends. I can see it. And I think I've worked out a way of getting there…now I just have to write it. So keep an eye out.

R and R – it'll only take you a second! Thanks a ton.


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